I Couldn't Gardening
Where to Start
For someone who has no clue on "how to gardening", where to start can be a feat into the unknown. If you show up at the plant store, or whatever they are really called, and show them a picture of what you want to do, they just laugh.
Until they realize you are actually serious. Then the look turns to a half smile. You can almost hear them thinking to themselves “Is this guy serious? He has a picture of a garden with everything already grown and wants to know how to make it. What?”
So, at, maybe my third attempt at a plant store I finally got some input on how to make that garden in the picture. I was informed I wasn’t asking the right question. I should have been asking “How do I grow this?”
Ahhhhhhh. So “How do I?”
Since I had the question right, I thought I might get a set of instructions, or a “how to list.”
I got asked a series of questions I was not prepared for.
- What kind of soil do you have?
- What PH?
- How much room?
- How much experience do you have with plants?
I was shocked. If I didn’t know I was supposed to "grow" this instead of "make" this, why would I possibly have the answers to any of those questions?
Dirt is dirt. Right?
Apparently not. Which led into a line of thought I got lost in, in about 3 seconds. It just became white noise and I’m positive I stood there like a deer in headlights.
I'm also positive they knew it because they started laughing again.
“This is going nowhere. Time to find a different way.”
I’m following the directions
So, after the plant store fiasco I did what most people do, I turned to the place where you can find out more useless information about anything you can think of, the internet.
Seems my lack of information about what I wanted to do affected this search too.
I watched more videos about things I didn’t want to learn about than I planned on. My opinion, we need a new internet, this one is saturated with the wrong information. Let’s throw it out and start over with one that works the right way.
Eventually though I did find some directions. It even had a list and a step-by-step plan on growing the garden I had a picture of. FINALLY!
So, I went back to the plant store that laughs every time I walk in. I can hear them thinking “He’s that guy that wanted to make gardening.”
Yep, that’s me, but I have a list now. Gardening Expert. I’m going to “GROW” a garden. HA!
It’s not like fishing, right? If you make the garden, you're guaranteed to get results. HA!
They were still laughing as I left. They have no idea who they are dealing with.
Longer than I thought
So, I got home with the list and started knocking the steps.
I had rows of dirt. I made little holes. I put seeds in them. I covered them all. I gave them a little water. I went to look up what to with all these garden eatables I would have.
I’m thinking I might have to learn how to “CAN” things because I’m going to have so much food, I won’t be able to keep it all.
After watching a few videos on it I decided against it.
Vegetable jerky is more of my thing. I already know how to do it with meat. Stick with what you know right.
The next morning, I went out to see my new plants.
This went on for days. I thought I would be eating stuff by now. How long does it actually take for plants to grow?
So, I looked it up.
WHAT? THAT LONG?
Sheesh. How do I speed that up?
How to make plants grow faster was a question I got a lot of answers to. On the internet anyway. I’m not going to give the plant store people any more fuel for their laughter.
Not for a while.
After this time.
So, I went back to the plant store to get the required things to make my plants grow faster.
As you guessed they were still laughing quietly.
Just wait plant store gardening experts, my garden is coming soon. Even sooner now.
I Must Have Missed Something
A few weeks went by, and nothing had happened. I must have missed something. So back to the internet I went.
Apparently with plants, too much of a good thing is bad.
I wanted plants in record time, so I used a smidgen too much of the plant to grow faster stuff.
I killed them.
The garden I was making was now a mass grave of dreams.
If the people at the plant store find out, I’ll never hear the end of their laughter.
What to do?
Do it like fishing
Then it hit me. I’m a good fisherman and a horrible gardener. I should stick with what I know. I’ll garden like I fish.
So, I went back out to rebuild my dream from the ashes of what had been before. The Phoenix of gardening.
As far as anybody would know, it was still the first attempt.
I scattered around the dirt, mixed it with some more to spread out all the plants growing faster stuff. Then I scattered seeds around at random. Like throwing bait. Then I gave them what every fish needs: A lot of water.
Then I waited to see what would bite.
Not much in my little pond apparently.
After a few weeks some things did start to come up.
I was as shocked as anybody by this but kept quiet about it. A fish isn’t caught till it’s in the cooler.
Plus, with my way of seeding I had no idea what was really growing anyway. Better to avoid the question of “What are they?” for now.
As it turns out, in the dirt in our yards there are already seeds of different kinds just waiting for the right conditions to spring to life.
Most of my new little Phoenixes were not the intended species I had wanted to catch. To say I was growing them would be misleading at this point.
However, some were the little guys I was after. Not many, but anything more than none means my gardening experiment was successful.
As the weeks went by a few of the little guys started to flower.
This was a good sign. Thanks to all my internet research I knew that flowers meant vegetables or fruits. I might have thrown in some melons, and I don’t know what a tomato is classified as. I don’t think anybody does, but they all seem to have an opinion about it.
Eventually, I got a couple watermelons, a squash or two, some cucumbers, a few bell peppers, some other peppers, and one tomato plant that was eaten by some kind of caterpillar.
Who knew bugs ate plants?
Not me. Well, I do now.
Back to the Store
Even though weeks had passed I had not forgotten how I was laughed at for wanting to “make” a garden, instead of “grow” one. There was only one problem.
My garden looked nothing like the picture I had started with. It looked, “WILD”.
It looked like nature had just thrown all different kinds of seeds around and just waited to see what came up. There was no rhyme or reason to it. It looked like plants in the wilderness.
Which is remarkably exactly what it was. It’s not very often in life things turn out exactly as you plan on it. This was one of the times it did.
I was happy with it. I got more than I planned on and had fun doing it. Just like fishing. Other than enjoying the time I spend fishing I don’t really have any expectations on what I will catch.
Yeah, this was just like fishing. But I’m not done with the gardening store people, yet.
Something else I’m good with is a computer.
Thanks to some very good photoshopping I did end up making the garden I had a picture of.
I told them I would make a garden. I was right all along.
So, I packed up a few of the things from my garden and headed down to the store with proof, or as we like to call them in fishing: Witnesses.
It went as expected.
“You bought those. There must be a farmers' market on the way here?”
Here’s the pictures.
My little phoenix and I had a good day.
Can’t wait till next year's garden.
Never underestimate someone who won’t give up.
We all have different gifts. It works when we work together.