It is in fact a Monkey


          I am a natural historian. I spend many hours in the forests and wilds of the world. I lead my fair share of safaris and hunting expeditions in my formative years but at present my standpoint on the harvesting of creatures for sport has changed.

     Though I am an omnivore, meaning I eat anything, I find it is a better use of my precise tactile mind and pre-eminent powers of empathy to simply observe the natural world. I now hunt with lens, quill and ink and an insatiable curiosity for the day-to-day engagements of all God's creatures, great and small. I like to think God redirected my path and purpose towards one that would perhaps one day, rectify the follies of my youth.

   Most recently I was on an expedition through the wilds of a place known to the locals as Mississippi. 

  An almost untouched part of the world. Creatures of all sizes and temperaments live in this savage land. But there was one that I found to be most curious. Admittedly, I am still perplexed by it.

  It was quite small, covered in fur, holding its food with its forelimbs, which closely resemble hands on closer examination. It had a tail that was the length of its body. Though I did not witness it personally, I suspect it could, should the need arise, swing from it. Though the dexterity of its hands was remarkable enough that it seemed never to use it in this fashion.

    I did, however, attestor it shakes it with the utmost quickness and importance. It could be a way of calling in a mate. Though I suspect it might have something to do with a predator drawing near. As they seemed quite imposable for a wild type of cat to arrest on its own merit. I will write about these diabolical wild felines at a later time. My focus must remain fixed on the present hypothesis. And then. 


It’s a monkey!"

The serenity of success had seized me.

   In hindsight I probably should not have exasperated this as loudly as I did as it seemed to cause quite an uproar amongst my accompaniments.

  Apparently, the local name for this creature is “Squirrel”.

I pretended not to hear such lunacy.

         Gentlemen, that is a “MONKEY”.

   Being of a sound and rational mind, having the utmost esteem from most of the scientific world and my colleagues at Cambridge, I was befuddled. Do these people not know what a monkey is?

   The game was afoot. A great debate was about to ensue. My opponents were steadfast in their transgression and continued in their belief that this creature was not a monkey, but in fact something else. Known, only to them and certainly not the world of academia, as a Squirrel.

   Despite the occasional chuckle they appeared ready for the challenge.

AAAhhhh, I have them now.

   They clearly have not heard of my exploits or other territories of the mind I had besieged with strict adherence to faith and science.

    This was going to be easy. 

    So, I thought.

    After what could have only been the most interim time with untrained experts and casual adherents to the scientific method that could possibly exist in this realm. I chose to withdraw. 

For the time.

    As we continued our sojourn through this untouched by time part of the world the debate of the monkey never left my mind.

  “What is it that clouds their reasoning skills?

How can they deduce anything other than what should be plain as day to even a child”?

This is a MONKEY”.

   Through our odyssey the occasional indigen would chuckle. Often remarking, in jest as to “Look professor, a monkey.”

    What my adversary lacked in intelligence they made up for with tenacity. Such blind adherence to presumptions clearly malformed and based in Cartesian logic.

“It’s not a monkey professor it’s a squirrel.”


   Have you been trained in the ways of observance of the natural world? Do you have a mind honed to a razor's edge as I do?

I think not!

 This gentleman is a MONKEY!

My adversary was unrelenting.

   Oh, but wait. It’s a test, they have heard of my intelligence. They do know who they are leading through this primeval forest. They are jesting. They are being facetious. They are testing me.

   " Fine work gentlemen. Putting my methods and adherence to observance to the test. I applaud you, good sirs. "

 The laughter was unexpected.

     But was in fact, quite loud. It seemed to go on for hours. Perhaps it did. I must admit, for one brief second, I doubted myself. 

Then the roar of my will began to speak. You are correct as always. It is a monkey.

I knew it.

   It was the next morning that I invited the illogical ideas of what could only be described as my tormentors at this point, to a challenge. We will apply the scientific method to this hypothesis and accept the result of the outcome as the only truth available. They will have to come to the same conclusion as I.

It is a monkey.

     Unfortunately, as I began to reiterate my challenge they continued to think in jest. The laughter had frightened off any would-be monkeys. We could not conduct scientific research without the creature in question.

    Nicely done gentleman. Your wits continue to slumber. 

   I dare not accept defeat. I would be removed from any circle of merit that then existed or could quite possibly ever exist. My colleagues at Cambridge would never let me forget this folly of my existence. 

“You let them convince the world, it is not a monkey.”


   Then, as sleep was about to befell me, it hit me. My jaw dropped to the table. As I had rested on my hand to ponder my query. Point of fact, most groundbreaking, and millennium defining ideas have happened at just that moment. Right before sleep. When our predisposed judgments have already slumbered. When the muse takes control but before we have completely succumbed to its will. It happens. That eureka moment. The epiphany hit me.

   “This is no ordinary creature; this is perhaps the most intelligent monkey on this small globe of God’s creative genius.” This, MONKEY, has outwitted its onlookers. This monkey, has convinced them that it is in fact, at least to the untrained, not a monkey but a separate phylum or species. One believed to be a squirrel.

     Clever little monkey. You may have fooled them, but my intellect knows no equal in the animal kingdom.

AAAAAA. Checkmate in two, monkey!

   I ran as quickly as my hind quarters could possibly carry a human of my weight and stature into the bivouac. It seems that my pundit had made my presence somewhat unwelcome in the presence of lesser beings. A predicament I have grown accustomed to and suspect most men of my equal have and will continue to suffer as we go dauntlessly into the unknown, to challenge what is known and what is not.

   My beseech on the illogical began.

“Gentleman it is with great regret that I have to inform you, you have been deceived. This creature, which you refuse to see with logic, and are bereft of comprehension, is smarter than you.”

    In hindsight my approach had been better suited for some who would not take offense at being called less smart than a monkey. 

A lesson diligently made note of for a possible future, should I survive the current circumstance.

    Eventually, I directed my own way out of the quagmire of the land known as Mississippi. I implore all of you to explore this land that time forgot. It won’t take you long to see what locals call, “A squirrel”

I beseech you not to forget, this creature is in fact


It is also a very clever adversary. Be warned. They are cunning. Just don’t be fooled into thinking it's a squirrel.

To be continued. . . .